For Greg

I recently recieved some very sad news.  A good friend of mine killed himself last week on Thrusday.  It's one of those things that you hear about all the time and hope dearly that it never happens in your circle of friends.  I worked with him at Royal Celebrity Tours for the past four summers and he and I briefly dated last year about this time.  Most recently we were on good terms.  Given the fact that I worked at RCT again this summer, I decided it was just easier to forgive and forget and go on being friends.  

I'm having a really hard time dealing with this.  Actually, I'm not dealing with it all.  I don't know HOW to deal with it.  How do you deal with the death of someone who, at one time, cared about very deeply.  I guess part of the issue is that since we ended things, I have been the standoffish one and I feel like if I had more time, I could have gotten over that and we could have gone back to being "normal" friends again.  

I thought that writing him a letter might help.  But it didn't...because now I have this letter and nothing to do with it.  So, I've decided that I'm going to cast my letter into the abyss of the World Wide Web.  I'm pretty sure that the dead don't check their email, but maybe they can read things that are floating around on the electronic superhighway.  The internet does everything else...why wouldn't you be able to use it to tell those who have died how you feel?  So...here it is...

Dear Greg,

I have so much that I want to say...and yet it all seems so pointless. I am sorry for whatever 

happened to you that made you feel like you just couldn't take it anymore.  You were always 

so generous in giving help to others, it is unfortunate that you never were able to ask for it or 

accept it on your own behalf. You always said that you didn't really like to talk about things.  

Neither do I, and if nothing else, I guess I will take this this as a lesson in how important talking 

about things can be. Sometimes it helps just to tell someone else what you are feeling. It makes

it a little more bearable, even if the other person says or does nothing.

I want you to know that I am extremely sad. I am sad not just because I lost a good friend, but 

also sad for all the other people who have lost a good friend too. There are so many people out 

there that would have done anything keep a good friend around. I am heartbroken at the thought 

of you out there all alone.  The image of you lying in the bushes in the dark truly breaks my heart.  

No matter how much you do not want to live, you should NEVER have to die alone.

I am also angry. I'm angry at you. Did you think that no one cared? Or that we wouldn't miss you? 

Did you care that we would miss you?  I realize that you probably were not thinking of anyone else, 

but you must have been because you called someone. Someone knew where to find you. I know 

you have been through a lot, especially this last year. Were you just tired of waiting around for it 

to get better? Were you afraid that it might just get worse? Again, I know you were probably not 

thinking of anyone but yourself, but did you ever consider what those of us you left behind have 

to go through? I can't help but wonder if I, at any point in the four years that I have known you, 

contributed to your decision in anyway. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one either. Now we all are 

all left wondering how we could have missed all the pain you were experiencing. We all want to 

know if there was anything we could have done, something we should have noticed. But worst

of all...did we have anything to do with it?

Were you scared? Was it hard for you to do? Have you been planning this for a long time or did 

you just decide at the very last minute that you couldn't take it anymore? Did you think about 

what would happen to your dogs? Your house? Did you think about what everyone else would 

have to do to take care of all you things? Did you even care? Did it hurt?

This may sound terrible, but I would also like to thank you. Thank you for making me realize 

how incredibly important it is for me to tell the people in my life how I feel about them. I guess 

I never know when I might be seeing them for the last time. I am going to try my hardest not to 

let my feelings go unsaid. With that said, I want to tell you that I'm sorry if I haven't been the 

most pleasant to you over the last year. First I had to deal with the fact that you hurt my feelings 

pretty badly by lying to me. Then I had to deal with the fact that every time I talked to you I felt 

like you were trying to wriggle your way back into my heart again. I dealt with that by being 

standoffish. Not the best choice, I know. Nothing hurts me more than knowing that if I had more 

time I could have gotten over all of this...and then maybe we could have gone out for coffee again 

like we used to. Asfriends.

I wish that when you came to get coffee on Monday I would have known that I would never see 

you again. I wish that I could have said goodbye. Given you a hug. Or wished you all the best.  

I hope that wherever you are now is better than wherever you were before. Please know that we 

all cared and that you will be missed.

Always,

Martha