For Greg

I recently recieved some very sad news.  A good friend of mine killed himself last week on Thrusday.  It's one of those things that you hear about all the time and hope dearly that it never happens in your circle of friends.  I worked with him at Royal Celebrity Tours for the past four summers and he and I briefly dated last year about this time.  Most recently we were on good terms.  Given the fact that I worked at RCT again this summer, I decided it was just easier to forgive and forget and go on being friends.  

I'm having a really hard time dealing with this.  Actually, I'm not dealing with it all.  I don't know HOW to deal with it.  How do you deal with the death of someone who, at one time, cared about very deeply.  I guess part of the issue is that since we ended things, I have been the standoffish one and I feel like if I had more time, I could have gotten over that and we could have gone back to being "normal" friends again.  

I thought that writing him a letter might help.  But it didn't...because now I have this letter and nothing to do with it.  So, I've decided that I'm going to cast my letter into the abyss of the World Wide Web.  I'm pretty sure that the dead don't check their email, but maybe they can read things that are floating around on the electronic superhighway.  The internet does everything else...why wouldn't you be able to use it to tell those who have died how you feel?  So...here it is...

Dear Greg,

I have so much that I want to say...and yet it all seems so pointless. I am sorry for whatever 

happened to you that made you feel like you just couldn't take it anymore.  You were always 

so generous in giving help to others, it is unfortunate that you never were able to ask for it or 

accept it on your own behalf. You always said that you didn't really like to talk about things.  

Neither do I, and if nothing else, I guess I will take this this as a lesson in how important talking 

about things can be. Sometimes it helps just to tell someone else what you are feeling. It makes

it a little more bearable, even if the other person says or does nothing.

I want you to know that I am extremely sad. I am sad not just because I lost a good friend, but 

also sad for all the other people who have lost a good friend too. There are so many people out 

there that would have done anything keep a good friend around. I am heartbroken at the thought 

of you out there all alone.  The image of you lying in the bushes in the dark truly breaks my heart.  

No matter how much you do not want to live, you should NEVER have to die alone.

I am also angry. I'm angry at you. Did you think that no one cared? Or that we wouldn't miss you? 

Did you care that we would miss you?  I realize that you probably were not thinking of anyone else, 

but you must have been because you called someone. Someone knew where to find you. I know 

you have been through a lot, especially this last year. Were you just tired of waiting around for it 

to get better? Were you afraid that it might just get worse? Again, I know you were probably not 

thinking of anyone but yourself, but did you ever consider what those of us you left behind have 

to go through? I can't help but wonder if I, at any point in the four years that I have known you, 

contributed to your decision in anyway. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one either. Now we all are 

all left wondering how we could have missed all the pain you were experiencing. We all want to 

know if there was anything we could have done, something we should have noticed. But worst

of all...did we have anything to do with it?

Were you scared? Was it hard for you to do? Have you been planning this for a long time or did 

you just decide at the very last minute that you couldn't take it anymore? Did you think about 

what would happen to your dogs? Your house? Did you think about what everyone else would 

have to do to take care of all you things? Did you even care? Did it hurt?

This may sound terrible, but I would also like to thank you. Thank you for making me realize 

how incredibly important it is for me to tell the people in my life how I feel about them. I guess 

I never know when I might be seeing them for the last time. I am going to try my hardest not to 

let my feelings go unsaid. With that said, I want to tell you that I'm sorry if I haven't been the 

most pleasant to you over the last year. First I had to deal with the fact that you hurt my feelings 

pretty badly by lying to me. Then I had to deal with the fact that every time I talked to you I felt 

like you were trying to wriggle your way back into my heart again. I dealt with that by being 

standoffish. Not the best choice, I know. Nothing hurts me more than knowing that if I had more 

time I could have gotten over all of this...and then maybe we could have gone out for coffee again 

like we used to. Asfriends.

I wish that when you came to get coffee on Monday I would have known that I would never see 

you again. I wish that I could have said goodbye. Given you a hug. Or wished you all the best.  

I hope that wherever you are now is better than wherever you were before. Please know that we 

all cared and that you will be missed.

Always,

Martha

My triumphant return to the gym

So I finally got my act together and joined the gym.  It's amazing what some good music and 45 minutes of gut busting exercise can do for the mind.  I'm glad that the gym has declared itself the "judgment free zone" because I might have been dancing while I was stretching (I can only imagine what people thought in spite of the judgement free environment).  

John made me go both Saturday AND Sunday (such a slave driver...I know!) but I had to force myself to go alone today.  But now after my 45 minutes of hell, a shower, and some delicious food...I'm feeling much better!

Something to chew on...

Just something to think about from a blog I read (www.dooce.com) 

Why any woman who intends to vote for McCain should reconsider

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17 2008 FILE UNDER: DAILY

Two of my favorite bloggers in the past couple of days have explained in succinct detail why we (women in particular) should be sickened by John McCain. I implore you to take the time to read these, they're not just a bunch of liberal propaganda or pro-choice cheerleading. These are stories of people's lives.

From Alexa at Flotsam:

McCain states that he would deal with the issue of abortion with “courage and compassion.” I quote: “the courage of a pregnant mother to bring her child into the world and the compassion of civil society to meet her needs and those of her newborn baby.” As if terminating my pregnancy would be the easy way out, the way not requiring his precious “courage.” As if dictating my medical care based upon his religious beliefs is compassionate. And I find it interesting to note that his “compassion” for this newborn does not extend to guaranteeing it health insurance.

And Julie from a little pregnant:

He means us when he holds up his hands and says with that single scornful gesture that we don't matter. That we are a figment of the "pro-abortion movement's" imagination. That — what, we're making this whole "staying pregnant might kill me" thing up?

... even if you're implacably, unconditionally opposed to abortion, a matter on which reasonable people disagree, I don't see any way a thinking person can look at those air quotes and see anything but pandering, contempt, and a dangerous willful ignorance.

"Fall" in Alaska

This picture is from last week.  I love "fall" in Alaska!

On death and dying

I learned today that a patient I took care of a couple of weeks ago died.  She was 8 years old and had a brain tumor.  This was the third time that she had a recurrence.  Her radiation therapy and chemotherapy gave her an infection in her lungs that she was not able to overcome.

I know death is a normal part of working in the field of medicine, but that doesn't make it any less sad.  The saddest part is that her parents didn't want to tell her that she was most likely not going to make it.  I realize this conversation would be extremely difficult to have with an 8-year-old, much less your own child.  But kids have amazing intuition and she probably knew that something bad was going to happen.  I think that having that conversation with her could have relieved a lot of anxiety for her.  Her parents just wanted her to be happy, but it's hard to be happy when you're scared because you don't know what is going on.  I know this isn't my decision, but I think I would feel differently about her death if I could believe that she wasn't scared.  

I doubt that having patients die will ever get any easier.  In fact, I hope it doesn't, because death is not something that I ever want to be desensitized to.  

Pictures

I FINALLY uploaded the pictures from my camera from John and my trip to Copper and our hike on Powerline Pass.  You can view them by clicking the link on the right to "My Pictures"